Administratium

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Administratium is a well-known joke in scientific circles, and is a spoof both on the bureaucracy of scientific establishments and on descriptions of newly discovered chemical elements. In 1991, Thomas Kyle (the supposed discoverer of this element) was awarded an Ig Nobel Prize for physics, making him one of only three fictional people to have won the award.

The piece was written by William DeBuvitz in 1988 and first appeared in print in The Physics Teacher (January 1989 issue).

[edit] A common version of Administratium's description

Administratium, the heaviest known element, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it a mass number of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called memos.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to its discoverers, a tiny amount of administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best-appointed, and best-maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to data are not promising. A committee has been formed to look into the issue.

[edit] Bureaucratite

An extension of the "Administratium" joke, Bureaucratite is a mineral that contains Administratium.

One version of the spoof public announcement reads:

"Scientists have released the secret of the source of Administratium; Administratium is refined from a repulsive amorphous material similar to a thick petroleum tar but much more viscous and sticky. This substance is known as Bureaucratite.

Bureaucratite should be avidly avoided as it almost completely freezes progress. Anything unfortunate enough to venture into a deposit of Bureaucratite is instantly trapped and becomes entirely coated with the bituminous mess, although it may take weeks or months to sink out of sight into a deposit. Many creatures, long extinct, have been discovered within such quagmires but better preserved than those found in ice or tar pits.

Extraction from a deposit, should one be so lucky, is always excrutiatingly long and painful and rarely completely successful. Many unfortunates are haunted by innocuous bits of the stuff which always turn up in the most unexpected places and inconvenient times. People unlucky enough to have been exposed to bureaucratite have exhibited dangerously raised blood pressures, heart rates and bodily temperatures along with extremes of emotion."

The author is unknown.

[edit] Governmentium

Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. The 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. In the United States, Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay, but, instead undergoes a re-organization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact Governmentium mass will actually increase over time, since each successive reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moronic promotion leads scientists to believe Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. Such an hypothetical quantity is called the Critical Morass'.

When catalyzed with filthy lucrium, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. The momentum of the morons is in inverse proportion to the quantity of criminalium present in any given universe of Governmentium, especially when in contact with Agencium. The reason for the immobilium of Governmentium is its impregnation, at the highest echelons, with layer upon layer of criminalium, plus the institutionalisation of scamiumarrogans perpetualis, a pathogen driven by greedium and venalium Illuminans.