43-Man Squamish
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- For other uses, see Squamish (disambiguation).
43-Man Squamish is a fictional sport that was invented in Issue #95 of MAD Magazine (June 1965) by George Woodbridge and Tom Koch. It was published in the "There's a Soccer Born Every Minute Dept." to avoid the "inherent evils" present in most college sports, namely that they are too professional and do not allow everyone to participate. It is an incredibly complex game, but although the writer intended the game to be completely unplayable, MAD magazine received so many reprint requests from colleges, it appears that at some colleges have attempted to form teams and play the game.
In the article, new terminology is introduced with no explanation; much of the humour derives from the reader's half-successful attempts at gleaning a meaning from context. Exactly what everyone on the team is supposed to do, exactly what penalties apply and exactly when or why the yellow danger flag is to be flown remains far from clear, even after repeated readings.
The sport is referenced on a Trivial Pursuit-style question card in the "Weird Al" Yankovic parody video "White & Nerdy". "Weird Al" also mentions the sport in an episode of The Weird Al Show.
MAD also invented the board game "Three-Cornered Pitney," including many similarly ridiculous rules.
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[edit] Participants
Each team consists of one left and one right Inside Grouch, one left and one right Outside Grouch, four Deep Brooders, four Shallow Brooders, five Wicket Men, three Offensive Niblings, four Quarter-Frummerts, two Half-Frummerts, one Full-Frummert, two Overblats, two Underblats, nine Back-Up Finks, two Leapers and a Dummy - for a total of 43.
The game officials are a Probate Judge, a Field Representative, a Head Cockswain, and a Baggage Smasher.
[edit] Playing field
Squamish is played on a five-sided field, or Flutney, and the game is normally played within seven 15-minute Ogres, or eight if it's raining.
[edit] Equipment
- An Official Pritz (or ball) is 3-3/4 inches in diameter. It is constructed from untreated Ibex hide, and is stuffed with Blue Jay feathers.
- Each player is equipped with a Frullip; a long, hooked stick very similar in appearance to a shepherd's crook. It is used to prevent opposing players from scoring with the Pritz.
- Gloves, a helmet, and flippers are also required in an official Squamish game. Any extra padding is suggested, but optional.
[edit] Gameplay
Before any game, the Probate Judge must first flip a coin, usually a new Spanish peseta, while the Visiting Captain guesses the toss. If he guesses correctly, the game is cancelled immediately. If not, the Home Team Captain must then decide if he wishes to play offense or defense first. Play begins after a frullip is touched to the flutney and the recitation "My uncle is sick but the highway is green" is intoned in Spanish. Penalties are applied for infractions such as icing on fifth snivel, and sending the Dummy home early.
When an insufficient number of players precludes a regulation 43-man squamish match, a simplified version may be played: 2-man squamish. The rules are the same, except in 2-man squamish, the object is to lose.
